Seconds later, the female security officer grabbed a pair of my father's shorts from the top of the duffel bag, and emptied out the contents of his pockets. A lighter, three nail files, a pocket wrench, a pair of pliers, a screwdriver, and a nectarine fell onto the folding table. I looked at the woman, looked at my father, and then looked around to see if anyone else was watching. "What's the problem?" my father asked the woman. "Sir, I'm going to have to take this lighter away from you, " she said. "The lighter?" I asked her. "What about the bomb kit he's carrying around? He could do a lot more damage to a person with that wrench." "I need the wrench! " he shrieked. "For what?" "What if something goes wrong with the plane? . Chelsea Handler
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  2. I love you like a fat kid loves cake! - Scott Adams
  3. Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby- awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess. - Lemony Snicket
  4. When God Created Mothers"When the Good Lord was creating mothers, He was into His sixth day of "overtime" when the angel appeared and said. "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one." And God said, "Have you read the specs on this order?"... - Erma Bombeck
  5. And next time you're planning to injure yourself to get me attention, just remember that a little sweet talk works wonders. - Cassandra Clare
More Quotes By Chelsea Handler
  1. There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers.
  2. Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.
  3. Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving,...
  4. My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.
  5. Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
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